The Little Things

It's the little things that surprise me. A Life Alert commercial just sent me into a tizzy. "I've fallen and I need help." My mother had one of those, and for some reason she didn't push the button the day she fell at home. I found her button pendant on the chair next to where I found her a few days later. I don't know if she had taken it off to get dressed, or if the paramedics took it off. Either way, the pendant that she had that was supposed to save her life didn't.

I wish I could forget the image of finding her, the way the house looked, the way it looked like she had been on the floor for a long time dragging herself through the house. Days. I wish there was some way for her to get to me. To get some help. But for some reason, the button wasn't available or perhaps she wasn't coherent enough to push the button. I am sobbing. Trying to forget.

I wish I could have helped. I wish I had come over sooner. I wish. I wish. I wish. I'm sorry. So sorry. It's the little things that surprise me these days. The little things that send me over into grief and loss. I think I'll disconnect the TV...

If I could, I would

I Raise You Ali

Ah Ali, you challenged me to write about one way I am being 'reborn' this springtime. What if it is not happened yet?  Is that okay?  Can I tell you how I want to be reborn?  How I long for it, hope for it, pray for it?  There are several things out there right now. 

In class last night, a guy had created an emotional board to use for a presentation he was making.  We all had to go up & claim our emotion at that moment.  What scared me what that I truly could have said I was all of them at the same time.  Well, except one.  Happy.  But Guilty, Scared, Nervous, Anxious, Bored, Lonely.  Those ones all fit. 

The truth is, I'm having trouble keeping up with everything going on.  I've got my student teaching, school nights, homework papers and presentations, some yucky health stuff, and of course my mother.  I'm feeling overwhelmed, and I am ready to be "reborn" away from all of it!  Or, maybe taught how to deal with it all, and feel reborn with the relief.  

I've been reading a book called "I Am my Mother's Daughter", about caregiving issues and the relationships we have with our Mothers; the good, the bad and the ugly.  My mother hung up on me today.  That sums up our relationship right now.  I am the adult and she doesn't want to see her life for what it is and doesn't like what I was saying.  I know her life isn't fair, but whose is?

So what I wish for today is to wake up tomorrow feeling lighter.  Could you wave your magic wand for me?   I hope to feel reborn soon.  I'll tell you about it, I promise.