Obligation Rebuttal

Very interesting that you should post that today. Thought provoking. It makes me wonder whether I feel obligated to be here and if that holds me back from making steps in my life. It is obligation? Hmmm.

I do know that part of it is Fear
of being able to 'make it'
of being alone
of hurting another
of feeling hurt or tension
of conflict
It's fear that drives my insanity

How do I deal with obligation? The first thing that comes to mind is my mother, (of course). What's helped me the most is strong boundaries and limit setting with her. Now, mind you, I am now 3000 miles away from her, and that makes it so much easier. it's a phone call, within which I could hang up the phone if i absolutely needed to. But, I remember a call with mom, at the house with Margot. I remember standing at the sink and I said something like, "Mom, what you are saying isn't helpful. I'll talk to you at another point when we can talk better with each other". And I ended the call. it was so empowering. It was clear what I could and could not tolerate and she knew that if she continued down that road, I would pull the plug.

Lalith once told me that things changed for the better with his parents when they knew without a doubt that Lalith did not need them for anything, and that they instead needed him. when this role reversal happened, he was able to establish a relationship again with them. But, in order for that to happen, they didn't talk for a long time. I think at least a year. which is unheard of in my family, clearly.

Some thoughts..

I had a thought tonight that I wanted to post too. It occured to me today that maybe I'm the one being strung along. I'm being told things I want to hear with no intention of change behind it. LIke a kid saying, "let me see how long I can get away with this". And it does feel like that. ultimately irresponsible. And hurtful. So, I'm going to ponder on that some more. and see if I can muster up some anger, or fire in my belly. cause I need fire in my belly.

sleep tight Jeanne bean!

Feelings of Obligation

Obligation:  The act of binding oneself by a social, legal, or moral tie to someone. (From Wikipedia)

Isn't it funny how even the definition feels heavy and full of pressure?  It says, act of binding "oneself".  That means I have chosen to be tie myself to the people and things to whom I feel obligated.  My choice!

So why, may I ask, would I choose this for myself?

Feellings of guilt & shame perhaps?  The aim to be a "good" person?  Because I want everyone to like me?  Because I happened to pick up the phone when I shouldn't have?   What is it that I am trying to make up for?  Why can't I just say no and do those things that I truly WANT to do?

There is a list of things that I do each day that I don't necessarily want to do.

• Dinner with a draining friend.
• Calling an acquaintance.
• Staying to take care of my nieces.  
• Driving to check on my mom.  

Instead of standing my ground, I relapse, finding myself obligated because I say yes too easy.  It is a jail, locking me into activities and time that I should be spending on myself.  However, have you ever felt SELFISH for saying no?  That's what I feel I think.  That I have no right to say NO to people.  That I owe my time and myself to others for past sins and to pay others back for the things they have done for me in my life.  But, I can't do this anymore.

This is my friend Karen.  She has always been a free spirit. 

Here she is floating off the ground because she is very clear about what she can & cannot do for others in her life.  I want to be like Karen.  She is free!

That is my dream for myself.   I want to fly.  It all starts with honesty and the word No.  I'd be interested to know if you've had this difficulty in life.  What did you do to reduce your obligation to others and listen more to the obligation you've made with yourself?