Very interesting that you should post that today. Thought provoking. It makes me wonder whether I feel obligated to be here and if that holds me back from making steps in my life. It is obligation? Hmmm.
I do know that part of it is Fear
of being able to 'make it'
of being alone
of hurting another
of feeling hurt or tension
of conflict
It's fear that drives my insanity
How do I deal with obligation? The first thing that comes to mind is my mother, (of course). What's helped me the most is strong boundaries and limit setting with her. Now, mind you, I am now 3000 miles away from her, and that makes it so much easier. it's a phone call, within which I could hang up the phone if i absolutely needed to. But, I remember a call with mom, at the house with Margot. I remember standing at the sink and I said something like, "Mom, what you are saying isn't helpful. I'll talk to you at another point when we can talk better with each other". And I ended the call. it was so empowering. It was clear what I could and could not tolerate and she knew that if she continued down that road, I would pull the plug.
Lalith once told me that things changed for the better with his parents when they knew without a doubt that Lalith did not need them for anything, and that they instead needed him. when this role reversal happened, he was able to establish a relationship again with them. But, in order for that to happen, they didn't talk for a long time. I think at least a year. which is unheard of in my family, clearly.
Some thoughts..
I had a thought tonight that I wanted to post too. It occured to me today that maybe I'm the one being strung along. I'm being told things I want to hear with no intention of change behind it. LIke a kid saying, "let me see how long I can get away with this". And it does feel like that. ultimately irresponsible. And hurtful. So, I'm going to ponder on that some more. and see if I can muster up some anger, or fire in my belly. cause I need fire in my belly.
sleep tight Jeanne bean!
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I'm reading a book by Pema Chodron right now, and she shares this great knowledge.
ReplyDelete"Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth"
— Pema Chödrön
I think it's a profound truth. As we get closer to knowing the truth about a situation, we try to throw up as much in front of it as possible, so we can continue to hide from it. But fear is a natural feeling. It is there to show us that we are moving towards the other side of fear. The other side of fear is hope.