Obligation Rebuttal

Very interesting that you should post that today. Thought provoking. It makes me wonder whether I feel obligated to be here and if that holds me back from making steps in my life. It is obligation? Hmmm.

I do know that part of it is Fear
of being able to 'make it'
of being alone
of hurting another
of feeling hurt or tension
of conflict
It's fear that drives my insanity

How do I deal with obligation? The first thing that comes to mind is my mother, (of course). What's helped me the most is strong boundaries and limit setting with her. Now, mind you, I am now 3000 miles away from her, and that makes it so much easier. it's a phone call, within which I could hang up the phone if i absolutely needed to. But, I remember a call with mom, at the house with Margot. I remember standing at the sink and I said something like, "Mom, what you are saying isn't helpful. I'll talk to you at another point when we can talk better with each other". And I ended the call. it was so empowering. It was clear what I could and could not tolerate and she knew that if she continued down that road, I would pull the plug.

Lalith once told me that things changed for the better with his parents when they knew without a doubt that Lalith did not need them for anything, and that they instead needed him. when this role reversal happened, he was able to establish a relationship again with them. But, in order for that to happen, they didn't talk for a long time. I think at least a year. which is unheard of in my family, clearly.

Some thoughts..

I had a thought tonight that I wanted to post too. It occured to me today that maybe I'm the one being strung along. I'm being told things I want to hear with no intention of change behind it. LIke a kid saying, "let me see how long I can get away with this". And it does feel like that. ultimately irresponsible. And hurtful. So, I'm going to ponder on that some more. and see if I can muster up some anger, or fire in my belly. cause I need fire in my belly.

sleep tight Jeanne bean!

Anything to Smile

THIS PICTURE OF LU LU MAKES ME SMILE

Hi Bean, thank you so much for all your inspiring posts. it's so funny that you posted about cleaning sunday, cause that's EXACTLY what I did too! I went on a binge and cleaned the kitchen, ran two dishwashers full, even comitted (sp?) the sink. then, I cleaned the main living/dining area, swept, and finally cleaned the bathroom. I was so tired. And THEN, I paid some bills that I've been avoiding. So, all in all, Sunday felt pretty good by the end of the day. Despite only leaving the house once, which ususally drives me batty. I have to leave the house or I get agitated. Not sure why exactly. Anyways, I guess I was cleaning the mind as well.

I went to my Alanon meeting on Monday night, which is always good. And literally, I cried through the whole meeting. We had a speaker for part of the meeting who reflected on her growth during her time in alanon, and how she has dealt with her fears. So, then she says to the group, "that's our topic for today; fear" and people begin to check in, one by one, all talking about fears. Jesus. I thought my head was going to explode. OF course it was timely, which was probably why I was crying. I guess I just needed to cry. Fear is scary, and I ebb and flow from feeling surrounded by fear in a cloud, to shedding fear and seeing light. Sometimes, I wonder if the light I see is just a dream.

Someone in group reminded me of the acronym for FEAR: False Evidence Appearing Real. Doesn't seem as easy as that though.

One thing I do know, is that going to the YMCA downtown is making a huge difference in how I'm feeling about myself. I feel emotionally stronger as well as physically stronger each time I go. I have this image of me getting bigger and bigger, like a cartoon. and the fears getting smaller and smaller. I will meditate on that. Really, I should draw it. Paint it. Maybe that should be my project this week sometime. Get some paints and GO!

Btw, did you get the "not book" I sent you a while back? and pictures?

xox Ali W