Anything to Smile

THIS PICTURE OF LU LU MAKES ME SMILE

Hi Bean, thank you so much for all your inspiring posts. it's so funny that you posted about cleaning sunday, cause that's EXACTLY what I did too! I went on a binge and cleaned the kitchen, ran two dishwashers full, even comitted (sp?) the sink. then, I cleaned the main living/dining area, swept, and finally cleaned the bathroom. I was so tired. And THEN, I paid some bills that I've been avoiding. So, all in all, Sunday felt pretty good by the end of the day. Despite only leaving the house once, which ususally drives me batty. I have to leave the house or I get agitated. Not sure why exactly. Anyways, I guess I was cleaning the mind as well.

I went to my Alanon meeting on Monday night, which is always good. And literally, I cried through the whole meeting. We had a speaker for part of the meeting who reflected on her growth during her time in alanon, and how she has dealt with her fears. So, then she says to the group, "that's our topic for today; fear" and people begin to check in, one by one, all talking about fears. Jesus. I thought my head was going to explode. OF course it was timely, which was probably why I was crying. I guess I just needed to cry. Fear is scary, and I ebb and flow from feeling surrounded by fear in a cloud, to shedding fear and seeing light. Sometimes, I wonder if the light I see is just a dream.

Someone in group reminded me of the acronym for FEAR: False Evidence Appearing Real. Doesn't seem as easy as that though.

One thing I do know, is that going to the YMCA downtown is making a huge difference in how I'm feeling about myself. I feel emotionally stronger as well as physically stronger each time I go. I have this image of me getting bigger and bigger, like a cartoon. and the fears getting smaller and smaller. I will meditate on that. Really, I should draw it. Paint it. Maybe that should be my project this week sometime. Get some paints and GO!

Btw, did you get the "not book" I sent you a while back? and pictures?

xox Ali W